water meet me, a heart yearn free

    water meet me, a heart yearn free

(an 8 a.m. dream)


    Everyday after i wake up, i do morning rituals, open my room window, water my beautiful loyal plants, go to the screen to watch videos in youtube or play a playlist in spotify as a starter for a possible good day, eat breakfast but not too full, then I'd kill myself, hundreds of times, in the head I mess and now is messed.

    I'd walk myself to my campus's lake, feel the grass and cold wind as I walk stroking my weak hopeless skin, as i arrive on the edge, I wait for five minutes. I was waiting for the song to stop playing. Then, I leave my phone, earphone, shoes on the hard rock I'm standing on, then jump.

    I'd always enchant these words, "it's okay, it's okay, it's not scary, it's just water, it will be suffocating, it will hurt but not as much as what you've been enduring since five, it's not scary, it's just water, you want to die anyway" and ends with "just let it go..."

Or

    I'd buy a ticket to a city where I've worked before, on the coastline, near the sea. I see myself walking to the bus, get in, take a seat, with only a phone, an earphone, with whatever I'm wearing right now: Dark grey jeans jacket, light grey sweat pants, a light brown skin-like-colored shirt, a dark grey beanie from eiger, a pair of peeled-off glasses, finally my black and white converse shoes with my favorite socks: the black and green BIO-something pair of socks (It was my dad's) and without any bags. After the arrival, I'd walk myself to the mangrove beach, still in awe and admiration of how the beautiful the world could be sometimes, hesitations would start to emerge, i want to go back. But then, I remembered there was really no one waiting for me on the other end, so I continue my admiration towards the mangroves and the sea, they're beautiful.

    Once I have enough, I escort myself closing the gap between me and the waves. I'd stand on the geobags, feel the wind and the salt water striking stronger. Just like before, I'd then put down my phone and earphone connected with it, open my shoes and socks, put the socks in, get a good last glance of the world, then jump.

Here I died.

The freedom of heart, I got.

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